Lost and Greedy

I need a break. A break from a lot of things, a lot of people and most importantly I need to detach myself from my greedy ambitious self. I can honestly say that right now (the past couple of months), I’ve been feeling lost. So lost in a world that I used to think I can handle quite carefully.

But the people that I’ve met and work with changed my perspective of that world. I became anxious. I saw the monster in them. Then I could feel the monster in me just preparing to charge forth. It’s been chaotic. It’s been a mess. It’s been broken. I’m broken. Shattered to pieces.

And when silence came knocking, it’s too quiet. Just too quiet that I can hear my soul whispering to me.

“It’s time to end this. Or end your life. Find your happiness or die.”

And that scares me every now and then. Where did all these suicidal thoughts come from? What is it that’s making me feeling like this, going through this. It cannot be just one thing. In fact, I know there are a lot of things. I just lost count.

On a separate note, I’m aware that there are gazillions of things I can do as a creative person. Of course, I will never ever be satisfied with each of it. And I know that I will always want more and that’s normal.

Is this greed? Am I greedy? Maybe I just don’t really know what I want. I’ve probably sort of given up. What did I give up – even that I don’t know.