My Portraits As They Wilt

Droopy and exhausted. Two words to describe my current condition. It has been wearisome for a while now. My mind, my soul and my body. I am tired.

Tired is an understatement. But I really am tired of so much. It’s paralysing me. A couple of times I snapped back whenever I feel like driving my car into a wall. There are days where I just want to give up and bury myself in my pillows. Or just curl up with someone and cry into their hug for a year or two, if not forever.

I have not been able to sleep for a while now. And if I did fell asleep, I’d be awake in three hours. When I go to bed, I’d often toss and turn but I still can’t get the sleep I so desperately need.

If I’m allowed to be dramatic; I would like to describe myself as a walking fatigued soul. Stuck in an unrelenting storm of painful emotions.

I’m in agony. There’s worry, there’s stress at work and in my personal life, there’s envy, anger, and sorrow – these are all in the mind people would often say. And I always tell myself that happiness is just a state of your mind.

But I somehow feel like this is normal. Perhaps it has always been. And I feel old. I have never been old before, but when that time really comes, when I hit my 50s or so, being old probably won’t really feel new to me. It somehow feels like a permanent state of being at the moment.

I’m like a wilting rose. Or something like that.

And I used to think why would anyone cut themselves. Succumbs to meth and any other drug addiction or commit suicide. They probably went through the same thing at one point in life.

When will this end? How will this end?

It’s disappointing that I know the root of my problem and that I’m helpless because I can’t even walk away from it.

But I can’t and I should not give up. At least not now.

These voices in my head. The noises in the background. That constant assault of sounds of negativity. I need to eliminate them.

PS: I was listening to Kabira when I was typing this blog out. I’m running out of data on my phone. Sigh. I really need the Wi-Fi back.

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