I don’t really believe in having acquaintances. And fake people, half-hearted friendships and surface-level relationships are just not my cuppa tea. Let alone hookups and one night stands. I’m the kind of person who believes in developing real meaningful relationships that are long-lasting in all stages of my life.
And if a relationship doesn’t last, I believe I’m mature enough to understand that some things come with an expiry date. And that people just don’t click. At this stage though, I keep only a few people close to me. Likeminded ones. Old souls to be precise. After all, old souls are not easy to find. They are often in their own world.
Being an old soul.
I’ve known this about me since I was a kid and I’m quite used to the fact that people think I’m strange and a little too quiet sometimes. My parents appreciate my silence because whenever I open my mouth, I tend to make everyone around me feel illiterate. My sisters enjoy it but I dare bet that my cousins and relatives are certain that I’m a weirdo.
See I’ve always felt like I’m 30 years older than my age. Most of the time, I prefer having conversations and debates with people my parents’ age. And as a kid, I’ve never really understood the motivations of the people my own age. I didn’t understand why 6-year-olds would throw tantrum at the mall and why my cousins want to have so many toys. As a teenager, I find their goals and priorities to be a little looney.
On top of that, I can never get my head around chasing style and following new trends and technology. Not knowing how to use Waze or Spotify or that there’s a new iPhone coming up doesn’t define me. And so far, I’m fine with that, to be honest. It’s cool. It means that there are fewer things to worry about. After all, you can’t really trust technology.
Back then though, I used to think that I didn’t have a choice and was forced to grow up due to circumstances and because I have four younger sisters. However, slowly I began to understand that I was born an old soul. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Because by the time I was an adult and left high school, and broke up with my boyfriend, I was comfortable being who I am. College was fine and when I started working, it got a lot easier for me to find like-minded souls – especially when they are older than me, even by a year.
When I was jobless for almost half a year, I spent my days at home hanging out with my mom and sisters. Sometimes I’d drag them to go on midnight drives with me. I didn’t go out and have drinks with my friends like most normal people would do. Here’s why – I SPEAK AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT LANGUAGE. And I am aware of it.
I’ve always known this because I was a social outcast in school. I’m still figuring out how I made friends. But I realised this more the last time I had a gathering at home. I was the host but my friends were much comfortable with my parents and each other. We did talk, however. We did the whole catching up thing over a few bottles of drinks. But there were limitations and I didn’t know how to express myself entirely, realising that they couldn’t really respond to me. Yikes!
And plus, I don’t like to go out just for the sake of going out. Going out is really a waste of energy, time and money. It’s pointless. But when I do, I’d like very much to experience something that echoes my way of perceiving the world. I really don’t mind spending money on people and things that would give me experiences that worth my while and broaden my horizons. Provided they have nothing to do with height. That shit scared the shit out of me.
Anyways, because of this, people my age think I’m boring. I guess some people just can’t accept the fact that I don’t really need to have fun all the time. And that I’m fine being home alone. Being alone doesn’t really mean I’m lonely although there are times that I am. But that’s another story. I’m a good company for myself. I prefer time to myself than packing my weekends with social events.
That being said, being an old soul means I’m also struggling with many other things. Things that many people may not be able to relate to unless they’re of the same species. These struggles are bad and I’ve not been able to find ways to combat them. Wait, maybe I did. By slowly removing myself from the eyes of the world.
Being an old soul and doubling up as the eldest child, my idea of responsibilities, possibilities and explanations are vast. I see life for myself from many angles. Like a bird view. And I do the same for my parents and sisters. It’s often because I feel like it’s my duty to do so. Because goddammit, making decisions and judgements can be very harmful to you and the people around you sometimes. Especially so, with endless internal and external influences.
I don’t think that I know very much about anything. But at times, I do somehow seem to know how to do things I’ve not even done myself yet. It’s almost like I’ve lived before. And most of the times, it feels like a deja vu. For some reason, I just know how all the shit works and get done. People come to me for advice. And I don’t know how I know the solutions and outcomes. It freaks me out sometimes. But at least those who seek advice will feel a lot better. I think so. I hope.
However, I get emotionally drained pretty easily because of that. While I sincerely want to be there to give them the emotional support they need from me, it can really take a great toll on my energy. It can also be very mentally exhausting. It sometimes affects my work and my sleep. I guess that’s also probably why I like being alone. It’s because I’m a sponge. And I tend to think a lot… About everything. Which later sort of leads to depression.
Anyways, while it is already a challenge to find like-minded friends nowadays, finding a life partner for an old soul is even more challenging! I used to think of other reasons and blame it on today’s dating culture. But the truth is, I’m not capable of just dating or having one night stands even though I did. It’s because I get emotionally invested in whoever I’m sorta dating.
I feel things on a deeper level than most people do, and I don’t open up to just anyone. But I did have a few hookups in my life before. For two years at least. It was a stage in life I never plan and never saw coming until it did. Until it ended and crushed me like a popsicle.
I refused to say it out loud previously, worried I won’t stand a chance with anyone at all but after all that, I know that I won’t settle down with anyone unless I think that there’s some future potential in the relationship.
I’m just another old soul stuck in the 21st century. A century where fake people, casual dating, open relationships and hookups are acceptable. I’ve had my share and I don’t want it anymore.
It’s just an old soul thing.